[dont bother]

Beyond the Door

2009-03-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

Art is my unyielding passion and the unadulterated mission for any means of portraying it. art is the only sense i can make of things, my one ultimate conclusion. I believe that art is the only pure unscathed beauty and truth that is left. and my only weapon in a world in which the omnipresence of evil has always smeared its unsavory stain on society. the relentless urge to control, command and conduct all aspects of life has fueled hundreds of years of repression which severely limits humankind. the aftermath of this is clearly apparent today as a very frightening retrospective. the product of all that hatred is our current lifestyle today. depraved malice still viciously resides in the hearts of the powerful. Our world is undeniably run on unsatisfied voracity. The successful and powerful gain their positions through dishonesty and debauchery. money has accumulated so much forceful immoral power and corrupt might, it is seemly the impure physical manifestation of indecency and domination. with this representation of the beast in mind the logical train of thought is, the more money you have the dirtier your hands are. its hard to believe in "honest" money today. the working class bends to a status quo and lifestyles that aren't theirs at all costs to maintain survival. military personnel literally sell their lives to a machine which improperly determines their worth. factory farms combat nature in attempts to turn life into cost efficient product. pharmaceutical companies deny cures and pose harmful treatments in order to obtain a steady ongoing paycheck. the biggest most powerful corporations looming over all unsuspecting victims. they forcefully make their way into our minds with pointless nonsense distracting us from our goals forcing us to concentrating on theirs, they use us to sell completely useless, unnecessary products not suitable for human consumption, they dupe us into a pseudo state of contempt with no true substance or value, they collaborate with psychologists on brainwashing your children so that they may grow up to be productive efficient consumers, cut quality for cost, and not only support but utilize overseas child labor for the sake of their stock increasing a fraction of a percent. most important of all, the rulers of our country who teach them all how to do it. what kind of people are the ones who hold the power? every aspect of your life is controlled by the desires of these people. these are the kind of people who run the show. despite their apparent lies through their perfect clean teeth we let them. despite the most foul, putrid stench of death that comes from their wallets we give them the power to abuse. i can see behind the curtain, past their manicured deception. can you even tell its a curtain?

Dirty Hands That Feed Dirt

2008-11-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root." - Henry D. Thoreau

Question Du Jour: What has this system proven to you?

Has this system proven to be trustworthy? Has it proven to you that it cares for you and your well being? Does it really want to protect you from the bad guys and reassure your safety? Has it proven that it intends on keeping the peace and well being of the people? Does it's clean white hands offer you a security package complete with a big screen HD television, a gun, a ballot and a blindfold?... Can you trust those hands?

Throughout history there is irrefutable evidence of quite the opposite. It has almost become common knowledge that this system is corrupt in every illegitimate way possible. Yet somehow, because its designed to be the only option, people still put their faith in it. In my eyes this system has honestly proven evil to exist and has shown me that nothing they do is moral or for the good of anyone but themselves. Their disregard for life in general has convinced me of their soullessness and of the monster behind the curtain. Ultimately they are a machine. A machine perpetuated by the souls and life of the people. We fuel them willingly yet unknowingly. A perfectly working destruction device that sucks life dry, devours and shits out everything it touches. We are forced into believing that only through the machine can we live. They make the rules, the cards, the pieces, the play money and the playing-board for the game, the track our lives are confined to. As a society, from birth, we are raised into playing this game, and we do. If you ever question why those who are in power are its because they made up the game, simple as that. Are people with such intentions really to be trusted?

Why would you trust anyone who benefits at the expense of someone else? A system that lies because it values money over the life of another. a system that promotes death for profit. That is not a system to put faith in. Those are not hands that you can trust. Why would anyone take anything those dirty hands offer? Its a simple process of dependence. If we are given no other choice we are forced to go with whats offered, but we cant be fooled by that. That's the way this system is designed, and that alone is sign of a devious plot. Why trust it, or worse support it by playing their game?

Imagine if you will a dark and ominous room. There's a man in a suit and tie, sitting amongst a throne of bodies across the table from your smaller weaker inferior chair. With hands filthy as shit he gives you a handful of options to choose from. But why would you choose anything this man offers? He is clearly not to be trusted. You don't want to do anything but destroy him. So he again offers you "ways to fight him" with ballots and buttons and presidential puppets, I mean candidates, and other polished pieces of shit that are cleverly disguised and labeled "a solution." But you still know the truth. Anything this man tries to offer is a lie and the way to beat him is not with his own game pieces. Its by making up your own pieces and fucking lighting his board game on fire.

Don't be distracted with the circus puppet show they present you. With they're T.V. commercialism and same marketing ploys they use to sell cars. You're smarter than that. Don't allow them to divert your eyes. Dont lose sight or ignore the blood and dirt on the hands that are feedinf you. By now you have to question what it is that you are eating. Stop trusting the options they're giving you. Stop playing they're game all together. By working a systematic job to buy a systematic car to perpetuate this systematic cycle your caught in endless consumerism. Then you feel like a robot and you want to change things so you use their systematic change making machine which is more commonly known as a ballot and nothing changes. The cycle just continues in that fashion. Instead you do the opposite and feed into their system once again giving them power. It never ends. you're only using pieces they're giving you. How could you ever win? Voting isn't the solution, its the distraction. Why would they give you the weapon you need to defeat them? Its a puppet show used to entertain the masses and have people feel like they're making a difference. Sure third party candidates might be real people that made theyre way up the machine but everyone knows thats where they are defeated. The Republicrat machinery is so powerful anyway that all rivals are effectively excluded; for certain in practice, the winner WILL be either Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dee. Its all very well designed but don't be fooled into thinking it's real. Don't close your eyes and put your trust in someone who will decieve you, do not support them either. Spend more time ignoring their game and creating our own. one that actually runs on love for one another and honest consideration rather than be driven by dirty money and blood stained land.

Through all of this I feel voting is immoral because by participating in a thoroughly immoral system, the voter endorses it. It's that simple. Through a series of repeated acts of corruptness this system has proven to be something I choose not to support. Seperate yourself from the machine completely. Work with real people as a collective on the peoples terms, not the governments. Do not feed from them and they will not feed off you.

ignore the president adams shit.

Living Is Easy With Eyes Closed

2008-02-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "My advice to people today is as follows: If you take the game of life seriously, if you take your nervous system seriously, if you take your sense organs seriously, if you take the energy process seriously, you must turn on, tune in, and drop out."
-Timothy Leary

But I Like You Because You're TRUE BLUE

2008-02-07T03:30:00.000-08:00

I am a blue blood I will admit that.
I dance in blue shoes and wear a blue hat.
Live in a blue house, on a blue street,
in a blue town by a blue creek.
I write my blue songs with my blue pen.
I sing the blue notes to my blue friends.
Now I don't know that much about you,
but I like you because you’re true blue.

I had a blue dream about a blue star.
In it I drove there in my blue car.
And when I got there, I met a blue dog
with a blue tongue, we had some real fun.
We bounced a blue ball. It broke a blue glass.
We banged on blue drums and called it bluegrass.
Guess the thing I'm trying to tell you,
is that it’s best kid if you're true blue.

Once I had gangrene, I got it real bad.
And so the Doc came with his black bag.
I said "You know doc, I don't feel swell.
If you had a blue bag I think I'd feel well."
So he came right back with a blue sack.
He said, "Will this do?" I said, "Why not? Yeah."
That’s how I am here today to tell you,
that it’s best man to be true blue.

Out on the blue sea I sailed a blue ship.
I had a first mate, always had blue lips.
His name was Bluebeard.
He had a weird twitch.
We flew a blue flag on a big stick.
And we ate bluegill and we ate blue chips.
Oh, I felt real blue eating that blue fish.
Because there ain't much that I won't do,
unless it keeps me from being true blue.

Once in a blue moon there’s a blue sky.
I wear my blue jeans and fly my blue kite.
Hangs like a bluebird until the wind dies
and then the tears pour out of my blue eyes.
If it’s your birthday, we'll bake a blue cake
and then we'll eat it off these blue plates.
‘cause kid I don't know much about you,
but I like you because you're true blue.
Yeah, I don't know much about you,
but I like you ‘cause you're true blue.

Commit These Words To Memory

2008-01-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

I'm sick of seeing you cry
And wasting all your time
On someone who will never care enough
To make you feel loved
To make you feel safe
I would drop my life to take his place

To show you just how good
Being touched could be
Commit these words to memory
For when you find yourself
Pinned under his demands
I am still an option that you have

So carry me around
Like a picture in your purse
Pull me out when things are at their worst

You can show up at my house
Completely unannounced
We'll have that movie kiss we talked about

Where there are no words
Just a soft and gentle score
Our ears will ring from all the strings

We'll let the screen go black
And watch the credits run
And see the names of every one

Who we ever met
And who we ever missed
Each one had a role in this

It's just another film that won't get made
I'm sick of seeing you cry

The Ship Is Sinking

2008-01-18T13:48:00.001-08:00

God's Away On Business

I Thought I Told You This World Is Not For You

2008-01-14T12:21:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."

Sailor: Too bad he couldn't visit that old Wizard of Oz,
and get some good advice.
Lula: Too bad we all can't baby.

Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

2008-01-10T12:31:00.001-08:00

She's not a girl who misses much
do do do do do do, oh yeah

She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand like a lizard on a window pane.

The man in the crowd with the multi-colored mirrors on his hobnail boots.

Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime.

A soap impression of his wife which he ate and donated to the National Trust.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun (bang bang shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, mama (bang bang shoot shoot)
When I hold you in my arms (oh, yeah)
And I feel my finger on your trigger (oh, yeah)
I know nobody can do me no harm (oh, yeah)
Because, (happiness) is a warm gun, mama (bang bang shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is (bang bang shoot shoot)

Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun
Happiness (bang bang shoot shoot)

Well don't you know that happiness (happiness) is a warm gun, (is a warm gun, yeah).

Darkness is cheap, and Scrooge liked it.

2007-12-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

"And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches plus two."

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

If You're Still Free Start Runnin' Away..... (cause we're comin' for ya)

2007-12-21T15:21:00.000-08:00

and the world's got me dizzy again
you'd think after 18 years I'd be used to the spin
and it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so I'm always pacing around or walking away...

(Don't Fear) The Reaper

2007-12-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

Citations Du Jour:
"Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most." -Dostoyevsky

"One hates what one fears." - Marilyn Manson

" It is easy to be brave from a safe distance." - Aesop

"He who loses wealth loses much; he who loses a friend loses more; but he that loses courage loses all." - Cervantes

"He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most." - Bob Dylan

"Of all base passions, fear is the most accursed."
- William Shakespeare

"I have almost forgot the taste of fears. The time has been my senses would have cool'd To hear a night shriek, and my fell of hair Would at a dismal treatise rouse and stir As life were in't. I have supp'd full with horrors; Direness, familiar to my slaughterous thoughts, Cannot once start me." - William Shakespeare, Macbeth

"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead." - Albert Einstein

Question Du Jour: What do you fear most?

fear [feer] –noun

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.	a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.	concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.	reverential awe, esp. toward God.

5.	that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Death is a common fear.

Devil In The Details

2007-12-15T10:40:00.000-08:00

A house of cards
The supple heart
Is not a place to dwell
Now you have your cake
Don't hesitate
Come on and just do it
Come on, just do it
Put it in your mouth
There is only now
Tomorrow has to wait
But know there's no backing out
This is gonna be reality
You can never dream it down

I have no way of telling the two apart

Well, I made amends
In the general sense
But the devil's in the details
And I know the cost
And I wanna stop
But I can't do it
I just can't do it
There was love I meant
There were accidents
So tell me which is which
Because I just can't work it out
But for memory and clarity
We had better write it down

I have no way of knowing the truth with time dissolves

I put the past into the ground
I saw the future as a cloud
If there's still time to turn around
I'm going to
It's just, one day I fell asleep
And all day, all night I dream
I am the first one I deceive
If I can make myself believe the rest is easy

Road To Joy

2007-12-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter. Sometimes that's just the most comfortable place"

I have a feeling I'll be alright.

Sunrise, Sunset

2007-12-11T14:03:00.001-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "Sunrise, sunset. Swiftly go the days."
-Conor Oberst

Question Du Jour: When will this train ride off it's rails?

My feet hurt from standing in one place for so long.

This stagnancy is crippling me. With everyday like the last it's honestly hard to stay sane. This perpetual, on-track, clockwork lifestyle does not agree with me, it's a constant argument for consciousness. It scares me. Like an ominous foreshadowing of the future, the constancy grows and the trap is set. I don't want to be caught in a loop of the everyday cycle defined "life." This can't be life. Working everyday for the next to be exactly the same as the last. Whether it be working full time or not working at all, everything becomes routine. It's safe, it's reliable, stable. But I'm willing to forsake all stability, all reliability for just one second of something fucking real. This dormancy numbs the mind allowing us to cope with mindless repetitive task. Somehow I must break away and wake myself up from this comfortable numb. Cut the strings. Break free from the tethers of this world's wind-up lifestyle before it's too late. I guess that somethings got to happen soon because everyday you stay it gets harder to leave. Society works towards consistency, stability, continuity, apposition, consonance. It's hard to escape when it surrounds you in such overwhelming uniformity. I can't get trapped. I don't want to wake up one day to realize I'm still asleep. I need something soon. Something brand new and fresh to thaw my frozen mind. Something so overwhelmingly unfamiliar. I'm just waiting for the spontaneous to happen, some divine intervention so that I don't have to do something extreme to feel alive. I need life to bring me somewhere so unique and untried. I don't know what that is or where to find it. I realize all the problems but have no solution. I feel like I have no direction, no start, no finish. Like I've been looking for so long for something I know nothing of and possibly in the wrong places. I can't do this alone, no one can. I need something, that I don't even know exists.. These sporadic fits can't hold off the pressure for much longer. I need something so uncomfortably unfamiliar, where everything is new and all I can do is grow.
But what?...

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
a sunrise and the sun sets.
You’re lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
a sunrise and the sun sets you realize
then you forget what you’ve been trying to retain.
But everybody knows it’s all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
and she raised her hands in the air asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
cause you have changed.
Yeah, you have changed.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
You are hopeful and then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there’s a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You’re manic or you’re depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
for a sunrise or sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she’d stay?
For a sunrise or sunset.
You’re either coming or you just left but you’re always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It’s a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There’s no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won’t know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it’s true, the trick is complete.
become everything you said that you never would be.
You’re a fool! You’re a fool!
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
The sunrise and the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?

Im Wide Awake, It's Morning

2007-11-27T02:52:00.001-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

Im Happy Just Because... I Found Out I Am Really No One.

2007-11-26T02:34:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "We had a didgeridoo once.....
But someone threw up on it."

Question Du Jour: What will that compelling force reveal?

at·trac·tion [uh-trak-shuh n]

1.	the act, power, or property of attracting.

2.	attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement

3.	a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices

4.	a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive feature

5.	Physics. the electric or magnetic force that acts between oppositely charged bodies, tending to draw them together.

6.	an entertainment offered to the public.

There are people and things in life that you're subtly and strangely attracted to, and feel compelled, for some odd reason, to pursue. And this seemingly cosmic allurement has got you thinking, "there's something different" and you feel so compelled because of this. Transfixed, you go above your normality to obtain this, but by doing so causing massive bewilderment, which only fuels this extraordinarily confusing fire. But you have no idea why, Yet you keep going because of it. Is it the aesthetic of a mystery or the unobtainable? Nostalgia of a familiar face? Or is there really something you can't explain forever driving you towards this awesome anomaly.
Have you ever been so uncontrollably, completely incomprehensibly, abstrusely compelled to someone you know nothing about? Just totally uncharacteristically, inexplicably drawn to something in someone. And that overwhelming confusion just perpetuates this strange attraction. It continues to grow and you cant even begin to fathom where it's growing from. Yet you give into that compelling force, out of understandable curiosity, to what avail?
There are few things I, for lack of a better word, obsess over. Sure I'm fascinated with so much in life, but I usually leave things unsolved or admire them for what they are and try to minimize control. But some things I'm not content with just leaving unfinished. My satisfaction isn't met with merely letting it be. There are those mysterious eyes that catch yours. But why these eyes? out of all eyes I've seen and gotten to know, these that I don't recognize, I am strangely infatuated with more than any I'd seen. I feel the need to grasp this somehow, but I fear I can't.

There must be a greater reason for this person's life to have crossed mine.

I was walking around Balboa Park today. Surrounding myself in what I both loathe and find completely fascinating in life: people. As I walk through the crowds I noticed an area that was always there and I always saw but have never gone. So I decide to go there, regardless of the fact that it was far off in the distance and obscured by a seemingly endless crowd watching some performer. When I get there it's empty, like a gasp of fresh air from the drowning calamity. I sit on a bench facing this man, sitting as if nothing else in the world existed but him and his clarinet he was playing. Never once did he look up, honestly I didn't even see him open his eyes. He just sat there and uncontrollably played the music he heard that no one else did. And I sat there and watched him. I watched him as if we were having a conversation, I listened so attentively, like he was explaining something complex to me. Yet as far as he was concerned I didn't exist. I sat and watched for over twenty minutes. And that's where it ended. I got up and left just as inconspicuous as I came. Why.

I believe everything has a purpose. All actions are necessary. Every event in life is a little piece of the puzzle. "Everything in life has it's magnitude." So what is the purpose of this instance? This is what continuously drives me insane. Not just today, everyday, all day. Why was I drawn here? Why did I meet you? How did we connect without trying? Is this some common coincidence? Or is this the product of something beyond me? Should I not question this? I'm afraid I couldn't help it if I tried. I guess the main purpose or conclusion struggling to be conveyed here, amongst this senseless profuse vomit from my head I call thought is, as frustrating as it is, I guess I'm just going to keep telling myself there will be a purpose later, but keep trying along the way. Like I've said, every minute event you come across is a step towards an answer. Keep paying attention and acknowledging them and you'll find an answer. It's refreshingly optimistic in a way, even though I'm aware of my false comfort. Hopefully this slight consolation will help me sleep... Or at least keep me sane for the time being.

Hands That Mold

2007-11-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "The hand is the cutting edge of the mind."
- Jacob Bronowski

Question Du Jour: When was the last time you admired your hands?

Today is dedicated to hands. The creators, the givers, the takers, the builders, the destroyers, the vessels in which all beauty and hideousness is created. The translators of art and love. The center of our sense of touch. To inflict the most intimate of passion and love or most violent pain. The chief organs for physically manipulating our environment. These appendages are a large fraction at the core of life. These things are important. Appreciate them...

"Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus, but use all gently." -William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Hamlet

"The upper limb is the lightning rod to the soul." - Robert Markison

"and yet hands, hands growing out of pictures, hands crawling out of the walls, hands that excite oblivion, like a wind ..." - Anne Sexton

"Poise of my hands reminded me of yours." - William Empson

"She made of the motions of her wrist The grandiose gestures Of her thought." - Wallace Stevens

"What is under my hands, That I cannot feel?" - Philip Larkin

"Your hand is the outrageous redeemer." - Anne Sexton

2007-11-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

And To My Suprise My Eyes Were Wide And Already Open.

2007-11-18T12:00:00.001-08:00

Citation Du Jour:
"So I have been hanging out down by the train's depot.
No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there.
And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your lives one track, can't you see it's pointless?
But then, my knees give under me.
My head feels weak and
suddenly it is clear to see that it is not them but me,
who has lost my self-identity."

Question Du Jour: What do you think of when you see people?

Sometimes late at night I sit on my balcony which overlooks a highway. As I watch these cars pass at 2:00 sometimes 3:00am I can't help but wonder where they are going. Why so late? Why at this exact moment that I am out here watching did that person decide to drive on this road? I wonder if they saw me and wondered what i was doing as well. And somehow, in this brief fit of thought we connected and became a little part of each others world, just for a second. Hypothetically if you get hit by a car imagine how many lives that can effect. From the driver to the other pedestrians. Maybe they'll walk or drive extra careful next time, and just then you have effected someones life. It's also strange to think that people you've never met have talked about you. Say someone saw the accident from another car, you now become part of the story they tell their husband or wife when they explain why there was traffic. It's oddly interesting. How is it that you find yourself in other people. It makes perfect sense yet contradicts itself. Why does it sometimes take someone else to show you a part of who you are? Is that really you then? When you look at a perfect stranger what do you see? Hope? Despair? Sympathy? Envy? Disgust? Salvation? Lover? Enemy? To me it's the single most intriguing thing I can ever imagine. People. Just watching them, listening. Each person has this entirely different world I know nothing about. And no matter what, i will never feel like that person does exactly, ever. It's so overwhelmingly amazing to me. What's even more incredible is connection between people. How somehow in the most seemingly insignificant ways your life is effected by another. Your life bumps, grazes, collides with another, becoming inevitably entangled. Everyone is connected. With this mentality, there is no such thing as coincidence, or accident. And again following this logic, it emphasizes the mass importance of your fellow person, everyone you meet, everyone you see, watch, notice for half a fucking second. And it brings everything into perspective all at once, overwhelming me with such greatness at which point my head feels so light im forced to lay down and I indulge. I indulge in this feeling of overwhelming beauty and morbidity, imagination false and truth, reality and fiction, EVERYTHING... These paralleling thoughts have somehow opened my mind to something im not quite sure of yet, but now I know it exists. You feel as though you've just woken up. Eminently that feeling is cause by someone else. Even they're action of simply existing has effected my life directly. This astounding experience is caused by someone who doesn't even know I exist. Everything and everyone around you make up your life. Really pay attention to them and embrace everything. Understand the importance of connection with people, learn from it, grow from it, don't shut it out. People need other people.

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

It's A Little Bit Funny.

2007-11-08T13:46:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love,
and be loved in return."
- Christian Moulin Rouge

Question Du Jour: Why does my heart cry? Feelings i can't fight.

My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

A Brave New World of Entertainment

2007-11-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "Till at last the child's mind is these suggestions, and the sum of the suggestions is the child's mind. And not the child's mind only. The adult's mind too-all his life long. The mind that judges and desire and decides-made up of these suggestions. But all these suggestions are our suggestions... Suggestions from the State."
- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Question Du Jour: Do you really want to be "Generation Cox"?

There's this Cox Cable commercial that really just disgusts me every time it comes on. I literally makes me feel angry and sick and scared when they play it. You know, that digital guy comes on and tries to convince us that we NEED his service to survive and function in today's world. That we NEED to bundle our packages so they may control our households communication systems, they do everything for us so we don't have to. So we rely on them for "life's necessities." But that's not the part that get me that much. It's when he stands there and tries to convince me that we are entering the digital age, which I accept, but he tells me that, "We Are Generation COX, A Brave New World of Entertainment." I don't know about you, but I do NOT want to be known as a generation built solely on being able to record, fast forward, and rewind T.V. I don't want to be the generation of home entertainment and being able to rent movies in your living room with the click of a button, I don't care. It's scary. Foreshadowing maybe. I refuse to be a generation of entertainment, of never having to leave home, of never missing a T.V. show. I do not want to be a programmed generation built by some corporation in the hands of this computerized person. It's funny to me how they actually say, "A brave new world of entertainment." Every time I hear it I laugh a nervous laugh. Generation Cox... Doesn't that scare you?

Pokemon Theology Part I

2007-11-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: “For the idols have spoken vanity, and the diviners have seen a lie, and have told false dreams; they comfort in vain: therefore they went their way as a flock, they were troubled, because there was no shepherd.”

Question Du Jour: Will Ash ever be "The Very Best Like No One Ever Was?"

babyPHATmatt: pokemon which i really dont like now
babyPHATmatt: its on right now and ash just said hes gonna be a pokemon master
babyPHATmatt: and all i can think is why the hell hasnt he become it yet then because hes in like his 100th season
J0SHTHESAVAGE: true
J0SHTHESAVAGE: i really wanted the best for him...
J0SHTHESAVAGE: but you can only hope so long
babyPHATmatt: im just tired of watching him get all his badges and take forever
babyPHATmatt: while releasing strong pokemon
J0SHTHESAVAGE: and for what?
babyPHATmatt: losing in the leagues
J0SHTHESAVAGE: so he can continue his dream that is no closer to being realized than the day he got his pokedex?
J0SHTHESAVAGE: it just doesnt work...
babyPHATmatt: lol
babyPHATmatt: and why hasn't he evolved his damn pikachu yet
J0SHTHESAVAGE: i would have shoved that thunder stone right up his ass already.
J0SHTHESAVAGE: if youre going to be the best you need to take manditory steps to better your situation regardless
babyPHATmatt: yea like not letting all your good pokemon go
J0SHTHESAVAGE: right. damn him! damn his friends! and damn team rocket for not putting him out of his misery!
J0SHTHESAVAGE: the ways things are going i fear ash will die alone. with a shit load of badges but nothing more to show.
babyPHATmatt: seriously
babyPHATmatt: and fuck team rocket
babyPHATmatt: because they always get blasted off again
babyPHATmatt: but they ran out of stuff to make them blast off with after like 5 episodes
babyPHATmatt: so now they get hit with bubble beam and launch 100 miles
J0SHTHESAVAGE: such truth
J0SHTHESAVAGE: ....they did have a sweet monologue though
babyPHATmatt: yea
J0SHTHESAVAGE: rememeber when ash almost gave up pikachu!?
J0SHTHESAVAGE: since when does being the best consist of giving up your best pokemon?
babyPHATmatt: seriously
J0SHTHESAVAGE: how many pokemon did ash give away?
J0SHTHESAVAGE: butterfree
J0SHTHESAVAGE: pigeotto
J0SHTHESAVAGE: mr mime
babyPHATmatt: charizard
babyPHATmatt: plus all the ones that just dissapeared between series
J0SHTHESAVAGE: ash worked so hard to keep charmander alive then gain charmeleons trust and domesticate charizard then he gives it all up...
J0SHTHESAVAGE: no wonder hes gotten nowhere
babyPHATmatt: hes a noob
babyPHATmatt: not making his venesaur evolve
babyPHATmatt: always using baby pokemon
J0SHTHESAVAGE: god damn you cant be the best like no one ever was when your pokemon havent reached full capacity!!!
J0SHTHESAVAGE: pokemon stresses me out.
J0SHTHESAVAGE: its not good for my heart.
babyPHATmatt: hahaha
J0SHTHESAVAGE: this conversation has really reopened old wounds that never healed properly....

Waste of Paint

2007-11-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "The important thing is this: To be able, at any moment, to sacrifice what we are, for what we could become." -Charles DuBois

Question Du Jour: Have you given up yet?

The conflicting sound of my Head versus Heart. It's too loud to hear myself think, write or even sleep. They argue in opposition day and night. They're muffled by every drink but get louder and violent upon intoxication. They get louder with every breath. They are never silent. They never sleep... I wonder who will win.

"I have a friend, he is mostly made of pain.
And he wakes up, drives to work,
and then straight back home again.
He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense
of color and composition so magnificent.
And he said

"Thank you, please
but your flattery
is truly not
becoming me.
Your eyes are poor.
You're blind.
You see,
no beauty could have come from me.
I'm a waste
of breath,
of space,
of time."

I knew a woman, she was dignified and true.
And her love for her man was one of her many virtues.
Until one day, she found out that he had lied
and she decided the rest of her life from that point on would be a lie.
But she was grateful for everything that had happened.
And she was anxious for all that would come next.
But then she wept.
What did you expect?
In that big, old house
with the cars she kept.
"And such is life," she often said.
With one day leading
to the next,
you get a little closer to your death,
which was fine with her.
She never got upset
and with all the days she may have left,
she would never clean
another mess
or fold his shirts
or look her best.
She was free
to waste
away
alone.

Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove.
And this cop he pulled him off to the side of the road.
And he said, "Officer! Officer! You got the wrong man.
No, no, I'm a student of medicine, a son of a banker, you don't understand!"
The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful.
And your carelessness, it is something awful.
And no, I can't just let you go.
And though your father's name is known,
your decisions now are yours alone.
You are nothing but a stepping stone
on a path
to debt,
to loss,
to shame."

The last few months I have been living with this couple.
Yeah, you know, the kind who buy everything in doubles.
They fit together, like a puzzle.
And I love their love and I am thankful
that someone actually receives the prize that was promised
by all those fairy tales that drugged us.
And they still do me.
I'm sick, lonely,
no laurel tree,
just green envy.
Will my number come up eventually?
Like Love's some kind of lottery,
where you scratch and see
what's underneath.
It's "Sorry",
just one cherry,
or "Play Again."
Get lucky.

So I've been hanging out down by the train's depot.
No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there.
And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your lives one track,
can't they see it's pointless?
But just then, my knees
give under me.
My head feels weak
and suddenly
it's clear to see
it's not them but me,
who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind
these books I read,
while scribbling
my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me,
with some ideal ideology
that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real;
it is just a sketch in me.
And everything I made is trite
and cheap
and a waste
of paint,
of tape,
of time.

So now I park my car down by the cathedral,
where the floodlights point up at the steeples.
Choir practice was filling up with people.
I hear the sound escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle.
When the voices blend they sound like angels.
I hope there’s some room still in the middle.
But when I lift my voice up now to reach them.
The range is too high,
way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue,
forget the song,
tie my shoe
start walking off.
And try to just keep moving on,
with my broken heart
and my absent God
and I have no faith
but it's all I want,
to be loved.
And believe,
in my soul.
In my soul.
In my soul.
In my soul."

Tout...

2007-11-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

Citation Du Jour: "I am real!" Said Alice, and began to cry.
"You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying," Tweedledee remarked, "There's nothing to cry about."

Question Du Jour: When the clarity of the glass has become only apparent enough to tell it is glass will you still try looking through it?...

The beauty of ambiguity is endless possibility.

All Souls Day

2007-11-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

Citation Du Jour: "When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass and so, we are all connected in the great circle of life." -Mufasa

Question Du Jour: Are funerals and cemeteries our way of controlling death?

I suppose this is part II of sorts, continuing on the theme of Dia De Los Muertos...
I visited a cemetery today and couldn't shake the fact that so many actual bodies were below me, in some way it felt unnatural, it brought up a lot of questions. Why do we have funerals the way we do? Of course the obvious tradition celebrating the life of the deceased, that much makes sense. But have you ever thought we use this tradition as an excuse to have a controlling factor on the ultimate uncontrollable? To celebrate the fact that we are living and able to celebrate the dead? Or to fence off an area and label it "death" so everything outside the fence can be life. As human beings we are compelled to control EVERYTHING. But the one thing we cant is our inevitable fate of death. So people preserve bodies to stop its natural process, stick the body in a highly lacquered precious wood, and sometime stainless steel, box then corral you in a controlled area where you will remain under tight supervision. Why do we continue such a tradition? It seems so unnatural in a sense, this pseudo celebration of death. Let's face it cemeteries are creepy! I dont want to be rested in such a forsaken place. Where my unnatural, formaldehyde preserved body will remain in my expensively pointless coffin, vindicated, confined, controlled, safe. Its so systematic and organized, filed amongst the thousands. No, that doesn't work for me. Why cant my body just be left in the woods to naturally decompose and give back to the earth what it has given me. Where i will rest in a beautiful place. Where if you want to visit me you need only to walk in the woods and talk to me in the soil, the grass, the trees. Not a giant ominous piece of engraved granite. Its sickening to know that we have even selfishly stopped our last stand to give back to nature.
For what? So we can control where death is and isn't?.... Are we that synthetic?

The End?

2007-11-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

Citation Du Jour: "Thus that which is the most awful of evils, death, is nothing to us, since when we exist there is no death, and when there is death we do not exist." -Epicurus

Question Du Jour: Do we celebrate death to make us feel as if we are alive?

What an appropriate day to start this foreign venture in the world of blogging. Today, November 1, begins Dia de Los Muertos which has small relevance to todays rant.
With every end there is a beginning, wouldn't you agree? So essentially that "end" begins something, which makes it not really end. Your first step ends where the next step begins which begins the cycle of walking. And you only stop walking to rest so you can walk more. If this perpetuation continues there is no real end. So what is it about "The End" that scares people? Whether it be the end of a good thing, or the end of life. Ok theres the obvious, nobody wants something good to end. But nobody wants good all the time. with no contrast nothing is anything. "It's not a party, if it happens every night." and certainly, who wants to die? But again who wants to live forever?... I guess what im getting at is embrace every detail in life, pay respect to everything that happens around you because it happens for a reason, good or bad. Give credit to your surrounding events because they have made up your life. Because everything you aren't defines what you are....

embrace the idea of death don't fear it, remember you are alive because you are not dead.